When Your So Drunk You Eat a Moldy Bagel Funny
Ever since I became a pilot, I can only eat one type of bagel.
Plain.
My friends in Germany were complaining that they couldn't find a good bagel anywhere...
well whose fault is that?
I recently bumped into a Frenchman wearing a bagel as a scarf.
He said it was a real pain in the neck.
What kind of bagel did the camper eat?
A winnebago.
Did you hear about the new PBR-flavored bagel spread
"Pabst schmear"
I decided to join the new Jewish fraternity on campus ...
Zayda Ate a Bagel
What do you call a seagull that flies by the bay?
a bagel
Kosher Deli
A man walks into a Kosher Deli in New York City and steps up to the counter.
"I would like zee bagel und lox please." He says in a heavy German accent.
The man pays, sits down with his food, and is clearly enjoying it. When he's done he walks up to the counter again and says, "Zat vas amazing. I can't get food like zat back home."
The guy behind the counter looks at him disapprovingly and says, "Now whose fault is that?"
Two bagels are out flying.
All of the sudden one of them plummets to the ground. Why?
Because bagels can't fly!
The same day two cows are also out flying and chatting and out of nowhere one of them also plunge down towards the ground. Why?
A bagel hit him in the eye!
Why was everyone afraid of the everything bagel?
Because he looked pretty seedy!
There's a wormhole in the center of my bagel....
"Of course, that's not a Cinnamon-Rosen bagel....you bought an EINSTEIN-Rosen bagel!"
You can explore bagel alitalia reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean bagel schmear dad jokes. There are also bagel puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plane bagel.
What type of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel
What do you call a flying bagel?
A plane bagel.
If a seagull flys over the sea, then what flys over the bay?
A bagel!
(Came up with this Louis CK style slapstick literature at 5 years old, give me bronze)
A man walks into a coffee shop
Cashier: congratulations, you are our thousandth customer! Enjoy this complimentary bagel.
Man: hey thanks!
Cashier: of course, and it's only two dollars!
Man: i thought you said it was complimentary?
Cashier: it is
Bagel: you have beautiful eyes
What's a pilot's favorite kind of bagel?
Plain
What is Carlos Castaneda's favorite type of bagel?
Astral plain
I baked a doglike bun for my girlfriend. She really wanted to know what kind of dog it was and if it had any fillings. I said:
"It's purebred bagel."
What's Mario's favorite bagel flavor?
Ses-a-ME! Mario!
Why did the guy with Down's Syndrome enter an RV contest at a bagel shop?
He wanted to Winnebago.
I went to the zoo today and saw a bagel locked up in a cage.
Apparently it was bread in captivity.
I was depressed I didn't have a girlfriend, so I heated up a bagel
Now I'm feeling butter
What do bagels and holiday parties have in common?
They're both better toasted
What's The Violent Femmes favorite kind of bagel?
EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING!
Bagels
I took my girlfriend a breakfast sandwich this morning, I guess you could call that bae-goals
What's a Jumbo Jet's favorite kind of bagel?
Plane.
Sir you tested positive for opiates
Me: I had a bagel for breakfast that morning
Doctor: You also tested positive for marijuana, alcohol, cocaine, methamphetamine and just about every other drug
Me:...It was an everything bagel
What do you call someone standing on one foot, eating a bagel and a banana?
A balanced breakfast.
What is worse than getting stung by a donut?
Bagel Bites.
Doctor: the test results came back...
...and you've tested positive for opiates...
Patient: I ate a bagel this morning.
Doctor: ...and meth, cocaine, marijuana, oh and you're pregnant.
Patient: it was an everything bagel.
What does a seagull call their significant other?
Bagel
Had to take a drug test at work today. They said they found Opiates. I told them it was probably the poppy seeds on my bagel.
But then they asked about the THC, meth amphetamines, cocaine, and hallucinogens. Told them it was an everything bagel.
Bagels and donuts are the same thing...
I donut see a difference.
Why can't a seagull fly over the bay
Because then it would be a bagel
A blonde walks into a library
The blonde walks up to the librarian's desk and says loudly, "I'll have a coffee and a bagel".
Everyone frowns along with the librarian and the librarian quietly replies, "This is a library!!".
The blonde replies with a whisper, "I would like a coffee and a bagel!".
Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
My dog is so smart, says the first owner, that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed. I know, says the second owner. How do you know? the first demands. My dog told me.
I got fired from my job as a cashier today...
This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."
I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"
A man walks into a coffee shop
Cashier: Congratulations! You are our 10,000th customer. Enjoy this complimentary bagel.
Man: Gee, thanks!
Cashier: That will be £2.50 please. Cash or card?
Man: I thought you said it was complimentary...
Bagel: You have a beautiful smile
Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
FO: My dog is so smart that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.
SO: I know.
FO: How do you know?
SO: My dog told me.
A German man on his first trip to America decides to see New York City.
As he's wandering around the smell of corned beef and fresh baked rye bread draws him into a Kosher deli. The man sits at the counter, eyes the menu and says, "I vood like to try ze bagel and ze lox." In a thick accent.
On his first bite he's throughly enjoying his food and pipes up to the guy behind the counter, "Zis is voonderbar! Zey do not have food like zis vere I am from."
In a heavy Brooklyn accent the guy behind the counter replies, "Now whose fault is that?"
Customer: I would like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
Waiter: I'm sorry we only accept cash.
A woman wanted to buy a bagel with cream cheese at my deli.
I told her we only take cash or card.
If a Birdie is one less than par, and an Eagle is two less than par, and an Albatross is three less than par…
…then, in keeping with an avian theme, why can't a Hole-in-One be referred to as a Bay-Gull?
TL;DR-
A Bagel isn't a Bagel unless there's a Hole-in-One.
What type of bagel makes the best frisbee
A plane bagel
"Everything bagels...
... They should call them everywhere bagels, cause that stuff gets everywhere!"
From my real father, moments ago.
Two eggs, a bagel, and a sausage walk into a bar.
Bartender, my friends and I would like a cold one, says one of the eggs.
* Sorry. We don't serve breakfast. *
What does the monster put on his bagel?
Scream cheese!!!
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Source: https://jokojokes.com/bagel-jokes.html
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